Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize