All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
