Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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