Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
