Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
