are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Shame - the story of my life.
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