I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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