I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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