Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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