remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
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