How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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