After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
