Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
