god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
