I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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