Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Drake has all the answers
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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