Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
