I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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