U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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