Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I need moral support for this bender
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
