So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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