I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
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I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
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But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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