We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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