why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
