I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I just want to make out with him forever
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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