Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
