maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
