I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
my god I love twenty year old dicks
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
