I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
