The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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