The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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