Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
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