I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
