Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
