I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
