when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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