I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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