I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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