Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize