I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
