And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
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