Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
