Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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