Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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