I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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