I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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