Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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