In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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