Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
