Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
She made me pour olive oil on her.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
