apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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