And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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