If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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