If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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