I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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