I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
