I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
