At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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