yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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