All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
