I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
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Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
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I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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