do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Ketchup is God's man juice
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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